I'm okay, really.

I wish I were a more eloquent writer. Since I'm not, just bear with me...

I'm really, really good at being okay.

Let me explain myself... I've heard all too often lately, "Whitney, you have it together." or "You know exactly what you want out of life, and you're making it happen." Can I be honest with you? I have absolutely nothing figured out.

On the outside, I'm always together. I rarely crack -- I am good. At all times. Very rarely am I anything but "good", but let me be the first one to tell you that this is anything but my reality. My life is messy and confusing, and more often than not, I feel like I'm floundering around while God looks down and thinks, "HA! Let's see what else I can throw at her!"

Now, let me follow that by telling you that I am fully aware that I am dramatic. I constantly feel like nothing, and I mean nothing, is going right in my life. Dramatic and completely untrue... My head knows this, but getting my heart to fully believe that there is purpose in all of the craziness going on around me has not been an easy task in the slightest.

Where is the purpose in having an uncle that continually chooses drugs over his own son, mother, father, sister, etc?

Where is the purpose in the one solid father figure I have getting the news that he has heart problems?

Where is the purpose in not hearing back from a job that could get our family away from the monotonous task of budgeting to the last penny every month?

Where is the purpose in feeling so much joy in being a mama, yet feeling so lonely at the same time?

This list could go on and on...

Because I have felt this way (for far too long), I withdraw myself, I am quick to snap, I am downright mean to myself and I give up on things at the first sign of trouble. By the grace of God, I know that these qualities are not here to stay; however, finding my way through this slump hasn't been easy. Every time something "bad" happens, I spiral downward again, and slowly work my way up to trusting that God is good. I listen to every podcast under the sun, I read every scripture and I cry out to Him seeking His goodness, grace and proof that He is indeed faithful. And every single time, He proves himself more faithful, more loving, more forgiving, more full of grace.

I don't write this to receive sympathy -- I think it was put on my heart to write this in efforts to let anyone who feels pressured to "have it together" know that it's okay to not have it together. It's okay to not know the purpose in trials. It's okay to be mad at God for throwing crazy things your way. It's okay to feel like you're floundering around with no purpose. It's okay because when you take a step back, you realize that your life really isn't that much different than anyone else's. It's okay because there is more to life than what we can physically see and do. It's okay because the Lord wants you and I to know that even though messy stuff doesn't make sense now, it will. It's okay because we have proof that the Lord is good -- in our children, in our spouse's encouragement, in our friends' grace, in our opportunity to read this post.

Maybe this jumbled mess was a complete waste of time, but maybe it helped just one person as much as it has helped me.

b.

He's here.
My sweet, incredibly easy going baby boy came into this world a little over one week ago.
He is everything I expected and nothing I expected wrapped up into one little package.
I think that's what makes him fun... I had all these hopes and expectations for him, and he is much much more than I ever could have dreamed.

I have had the desire to be a mama for as long as I can remember.

From the minute we decided a little one would be a great addition to our family, I prayed.
I prayed for guidance in how to fuel my body to make it "baby ready".
I prayed for strength when I feared the worst early on in pregnancy.
I prayed for courage to attempt a birth without medication.
I prayed for wisdom in feeding my babe the absolute best for him.

I prayed and prayed, but I have come to realize that I neglected to pray for something more important than anything listed above... Trust in the Lord to remember that He is good no matter what.

In all of the things I was seeking guidance in, I never once sought out the one thing that would get me through anything and everything I worried about for nearly 9 months.

I desired a natural birth.
I desired the ability to breastfeed from the get go.

Those desires were not fulfilled.

I was crushed the day I was told I would have to be induced.
I was crushed when I realized back labor with pitocin was too much for my tired body to withstand.
I was crushed when I received an epidural.
I was crushed when the nurses suggested supplementing and feeding my babe with a premie bottle nipple because he had not developed a strong suck.
I was crushed to learn that I would rely on a pump to feed him until he could suck strongly.

All of the things I so strongly desired throughout pregnancy seemed to just slip away from me within the matter of 48 hours.
It was physically and emotionally draining, and I completely let those feelings overpower my mind and body for multiple days.

Even in all of that, the Lord is good.

While I may not have been seeking trust in him, He led me to trust him.
He has shown me that, above all, my strongest desire was to bring my sweet boy into the world.
He has shown me that he is a listener.
He has shown me that he is faithful.

I have a healthy, sweet little one.
The Lord has given me more than I deserve.

Bennett, you are loved.

forgetful.

Sometimes I forget who I am.

I forget that I am a gentle person.
I forget that I love to craft.
I forget that I am a young woman.
I forget that I am fun.
I forget that I am a friend who genuinely cares.
I forget that I am a wife who loves to serve her husband.
I forget that I am in love with children and their love for little things.
I forget that I love the Lord more than this world.

I am forgetful.

Remembering these things about myself is always interesting.
I usually beat myself up over not being true to myself.

Then, I remember the most important thing of all.
I lose track of myself because I force myself to be consumed in daily tasks.

My life has been nothing short of chaotic for the past 7 months or so.
Between buying a house that needs many renovations and being 32 weeks pregnant, I tend to let my life lead me rather than me letting the Lord lead my life.

Here's to realizing that simpy living life is not the most important thing.
The meaningless tasks, financial stability (or abundance), school, house renovations, clothes, etc. that we make out to be so very important in day to day life just don't really matter when you start remembering who you are, what is important, and what will help you lead an abundant life without needing worldly things to make your day a great day.

Here's to realizing that God is the most important thing.
Here's to remembering who we are: children of the Lord.

faithful.

Remembering how faithful God is is truly a struggle for me.

I am constantly disappointed in every little let down I edure.
I am saddened by the thought of never achieving what I dream.
I am baffled that I, so often, forget how good He is.

My life, lately, has been a series of really high highs and really low lows. There has been no in between at all.

I am also in a constant state of questioning what God wants for me. (As if I know what I need... That is laughable!)

God knows the desires of our hearts.
Yet, why do I feel that mine get smashed every month, every turned in project, every paper turned in, etc.

I have been leading an extremely confused life, and yet, the answer is so simple.
Trust what I know to be true.
I know God's plans are grand.
I know God is not hurting me -- my expectations are hurting me.
I know God's love is far greater and much more satisfying than constantly feeling loved by people.
I know that God is faithful.

praise.

Tonight, I was asked the question, "In your life right now, what would you consider to be a thorn, a bud, and rose?"

Thorn? Okay, well where do I start? Between school and work I feel like I'm drowning; if one more person asks me when I plan on having a baby I may explode right there; I wish I could just be done with school and live in the "real world" and have a "real job"; and the list goes on and on… and on.

Bud? Easy. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. December of this year I will officially be done with college. This summer, I have the opportunity to find an internship doing something I love… So much room for growth. Bud found.

Rose? Uhhh… Rose? Can someone just hand me a rose so that I can say I have found my rose? Well, CrossFit's fun. Let's go with CrossFit.

I was nearly embarrassed at how long it took me to think of a rose in my life, and then it hit me.
I have been in such a negative place that I haven't been giving myself the opportunity to find the things worth praising in my life.

I didn't give myself the chance to see that I have the most supportive and loving husband ever, friends that love me so well, and the sweetest little pup that greets me like I'm the most fun person ever every time I walk through the door.

Positivity and gratefulness has been a definite struggle for me recently, but it wasn't until tonight that I fully realized that all of the negative thoughts that I rarely keep at bay are of satan. I am letting him run my life by simply letting him creep into my thoughts, and I have had enough.

I will praise God through this storm that I feel just won't let up. I will praise him because even though this world can be so cruel, he is so good.
He is showing me that on my own I am weak.
He is proving me that I am strong when I am reliant on him.
I can handle everything thrown at me.
I am a child of God.
I will praise my father because, even in the hardest of times, he is my light.

righteous.

Being a mom has always been my ultimate goal in life. I'm not sure whether it was because my mom was and is so wonderful or if I was just born with a strong maternal instinct, but I know that my sole purpose on Earth is to mother children.

Queue the stress of everyone around me having sweet babes or learning the great news that they soon will have a precious child of their own.

I can't say for certain that Brandon and I are in a season of bringing a babe into the equation, but that doesn't stop me from so strongly desiring that for us.

Without going into too much detail, it has become apparent that God is telling us to wait (or rather  providing us with no other option but to wait). And let me tell you, that is the most disheartening bad painful reminder I have ever experienced. Right now, we are in a place of realizing that no matter what we do, it is ultimately in God's hands. (Tough, but needed reminder)

Seasons such as this are tough. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I am drained.
And I, honestly, could not be more thankful for this season.

I am in need of the reminder that God will always be in control.
I am in need of being broken of desiring things for selfish reasons.

I am not a mom.
Not yet.
And God is still just as good as he was when we hadn't had babes on the brain.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.
    Psalm 145:17

new year.

Like many people, I decided to make this new year a year of new beginnings; however, my goals stretch far beyond 2014.

This year is the start of becoming who I am, or rather becoming what I love instead of what I feel that the world pressures me to desire to be. With this hefty goal, comes many smaller goals that I have been addressing daily in efforts to remind myself to stay away from falling back into old patterns.

Here are my mini goals:

Be confident in just having Christ (how often I forget that he is everything!)

Stay positive -- not giving negativity a chance to dwell in me

Laugh. Every day.

Stay conscious about where our money is going

Developing a healthy relationship with good, whole foods

Crossfit multiple times weekly (because seeing how strong I am during those workouts reminds me of how strong God has made me in every aspect of my life)

There they are. My goals for the future. My goals for me to snap out of this funk I have been living in. My goals that will instill a willpower and outlook that my future children will look up to. 

I have never been more excited.