I wish I were a more eloquent writer. Since I'm not, just bear with me...
I'm really, really good at being okay.
Let me explain myself... I've heard all too often lately, "Whitney, you have it together." or "You know exactly what you want out of life, and you're making it happen." Can I be honest with you? I have absolutely nothing figured out.
On the outside, I'm always together. I rarely crack -- I am good. At all times. Very rarely am I anything but "good", but let me be the first one to tell you that this is anything but my reality. My life is messy and confusing, and more often than not, I feel like I'm floundering around while God looks down and thinks, "HA! Let's see what else I can throw at her!"
Now, let me follow that by telling you that I am fully aware that I am dramatic. I constantly feel like nothing, and I mean nothing, is going right in my life. Dramatic and completely untrue... My head knows this, but getting my heart to fully believe that there is purpose in all of the craziness going on around me has not been an easy task in the slightest.
Where is the purpose in having an uncle that continually chooses drugs over his own son, mother, father, sister, etc?
Where is the purpose in the one solid father figure I have getting the news that he has heart problems?
Where is the purpose in not hearing back from a job that could get our family away from the monotonous task of budgeting to the last penny every month?
Where is the purpose in feeling so much joy in being a mama, yet feeling so lonely at the same time?
This list could go on and on...
Because I have felt this way (for far too long), I withdraw myself, I am quick to snap, I am downright mean to myself and I give up on things at the first sign of trouble. By the grace of God, I know that these qualities are not here to stay; however, finding my way through this slump hasn't been easy. Every time something "bad" happens, I spiral downward again, and slowly work my way up to trusting that God is good. I listen to every podcast under the sun, I read every scripture and I cry out to Him seeking His goodness, grace and proof that He is indeed faithful. And every single time, He proves himself more faithful, more loving, more forgiving, more full of grace.
I don't write this to receive sympathy -- I think it was put on my heart to write this in efforts to let anyone who feels pressured to "have it together" know that it's okay to not have it together. It's okay to not know the purpose in trials. It's okay to be mad at God for throwing crazy things your way. It's okay to feel like you're floundering around with no purpose. It's okay because when you take a step back, you realize that your life really isn't that much different than anyone else's. It's okay because there is more to life than what we can physically see and do. It's okay because the Lord wants you and I to know that even though messy stuff doesn't make sense now, it will. It's okay because we have proof that the Lord is good -- in our children, in our spouse's encouragement, in our friends' grace, in our opportunity to read this post.
Maybe this jumbled mess was a complete waste of time, but maybe it helped just one person as much as it has helped me.
